Neverlandanic
by The Scarlet Starlet
Summary: After nearly 2 years of not even looking at it, I've decided to post a past parody I wrote titled


Titanic with a Twist: A Theatre remake

**"To be, or not to be! THAT is the question!"**

**By Laura**

Note: I wrote this story a couple years back as a parody to the blockbuster movie " Titanic" in the form of our theatre "groupies" and the people entangled in the circle. I changed some of the names as well as the places and such, and overall polished up the piece that lay undisturbed for almost 2 years, but is now ready to be published for all to see online!

As a lasting note I would like to say that the narrator isn't I, Laura, but another Laura (from theatre) whom I used to be friends with during those dreary middle school years.

Thanks for your patience! Hope you enjoy the story!

I was only 13 and I was in the show of dreams. I can still smell the fresh paint of the props and the mildew of the wooden floor of the stage. I can still see the audience standing and applauding my performance. And I can still hear our music director shouting "Notes! Notes!" to the apathetic cast that would mill around the stage hours on end. Oh, but how I loathed my mother! She was always telling me what to do. I just wanted to live my life like a normal teenager! I was everything a well brought up Haverhill girl should be…I was smart, pretty, and hated Amphetamines. 

It all started out as I entered the Halloween production of "Into the woods" at the local theatre. I already had a boyfriend, Dan Cockroach, and was content, yet bored with my life. I was a poor girl boarding another theatre adventure. 

Meanwhile, an attractive boy by the name of James Whiteboard entered the Halloween show too, yet was just the opposite of me. He was rich and overly spoiled…but him and I had 2 things in common: Our tendency to be kind to others and to attract many friends. And in James' case many _girl_friends.

Then at one rainy rehearsal I tried to jump off of the roof of the old church. While thinking about whether to make the right decision, I slipped because of the rain and was hanging off of the steeple! James was hanging out in the bathroom (for no apparent reason) when he heard my pitiful scream from above. He ran up to the roof and rescued me, holding tightly on to my hand with no intentions of letting go. He pulled me up to safety. When I arrived at the safety of the indoor's, he accidentally fell atop me after tripping on a block of wood. Our director didn't take long to arrive on the scene, accompanied by the famous C-Lu (a.k.a. the Un-act-able Catherine Lucyson) and Dan Cockroach. What he saw before his eyes looked like something "inappropriate" was going on. Dan got angry with James, telling him to never make any advances towards his girlfriend ever again, although that was hardly the case.

"Nothing happened, really. I was…er, sightseeing!" I replied.

"On the roof?" the director asked.

"Well, er, since I don't live in this town, I thought I'd take a look at…" I paused, searching for a monument, a building..._anything!_

 "Er...the firehouse!" I replied.

The director was puzzled by this unreasonable logic, but only for a brief millisecond of course. It didn't take long until he declared...

"Well then, the boy's a hero!" 

As gratitude for saving my life, the director awarded James a leading part in the play as the Prince alongside I, who was cast as the lovely Snow White. 

Catherine on the other hand, did not know anything about this and still was entangled in her passionate love for Dan. They had their own relationship going for them...well, only in their minds that is. Catherine, in an attempt to break Dan and I up, decided to spread vulgar rumors about James and I. 

Dan, too, suspected something fishy was going on. He'd watch the way James would longingly stare into my eyes at me at rehearsals, and the way he would converse (in his oh-so-lovely Irish accent) to me. His suspicion grew to a climax, and one day he decided to innocently ask James if he liked me, trying to withhold any anger that was burning within him. James didn't respond, realizing that my boyfriend had found out his _deepest, darkest_ secret. He was shocked at Dan's proposal, but avoided the subject as much as possible from that point on.

When he finally worked up the courage to recite to me his true feelings, he did so in the back of the church at one rehearsal. I was shocked, but realized that I liked him too, and recited my feelings for him as well. But to his surprise, I didn't break up with Dan. _Yet…_

Then when we were alone after one rehearsal, we practiced one of our scenes together. As blocking during the previous rehearsals had directed me to do, I knowingly walked out ahead of him towards the front of the stage. To my surprise he sashayed behind me. I turned around for a to see what he was doing. I was shortly taken aback (for the briefest of moments, may I add) as he gently placed his warm, delicate hands onto my waist and slowly rested his head on my shoulders. It was warm out that day; not your typical autumn weather, and the fans were blowing with all their might. I looked down into the orchestra pit, and, with the combining effect of the wind, it gave me the illusion I was...was..._flying!_ James slowly moved his hands upward, just grazing the sides of my bodice, resting his bony chin on my shoulders, and then finally trailing down my arms with his fingertips. They stopped at my hands and clung onto them tightly. I could feel the warmth trickle throughout my body. Unfortunately, the fans cooled it down.

"I'm flying James! I'm flying!" I cried with delight.

Without me knowing, James quietly slid his foot towards a stereo about two feet away from us, and turned on some Beethoven crap. Or at least I thought it was crap. Oh well...it's the thought that counts!

Anyways, back to the story...

After the music had been turned on, I looked ever so lovingly at James. My eyes met with his and slowly as if unsure, our heads tilted and slowly moved towards each other. It was as if gravity were pulling our faces together, and finally, our lips locked. A few minutes passed, until my father came in to pick me up. I immediately broke from his embrace as soon as I heard the creak of the old screen door, and ran down the side steps of the stage. 

The door slammed shut, and James once again found himself alone in a daze. His dreams and fantasies had come true, and he was evermore happier.

Trying to keep things looking neutral as if nothing had changed between the group of friends, James innocently invited me to the cast party, vowing to go as "friends". We danced the night away, smiles stretched far across our cherubic faces. It's amazing how a smile, a naturally curvy shape could straighten out so many things. Unfortunately, one of Dan's hired spies, Greg Rowboat, spotted us and immediately confronted Dan about it. In disbelief, Dan let out a big sigh as he stood there, staring out in the distance when he first heard the news. It was then that he ordered Greg to keep us apart whatever the cost. 

I always wore a special ring Dan had given me. Fearing it would fall off as we danced, I placed it on one of the bouncy chairs in the church library. Greg couldn't resist the temptation the opportunity offered for him. So in two shakes of a lamb's tail, the ring was absent from the chair cushion, and sitting on the bottom of the pocket in James' new, expensive, leather jacket. It was then that the accusations began, and the mob scenes broke out in their predestined fashion.

"He's jealous that you're my girlfriend Laura, so he stole it to rid you of our symbol of our relationship!" Dan accused, pointing a condemning index finger straight at James.

"That makes no sense!" James shouted. " Either way, I would _never_ do such a thing!"

"Oh yeah?" Dan hollered.

"Er...I think so?" James meekly replied.

"Well _I_ saw him steal it" Greg chimed in, clearly emphasizing the "I."

"He should be punished!" he finished off.

Greg then searched his pockets, shirt, and shoes, resulting in nothing.

"I forbid you to go near her ever again James, do I make myself clear?" Dan spoke in harsher tones, eyeing James as if he were some filthy convict.  

James opened his mouth ready to protest, but knew that it was of no use. Guess it was time to go find another girl.

"Well?" Dan screeched.

James nodded in sorrow and bowed down his head as he slowly walked away, hunched over in defeat and humiliation. 

Dan walked behind him, when Greg nudged him with his elbow and pointed to James' leather jacket.

Trying to sound as if the idea had just struck him at that very moment, Dan at full volume announced: "Wait, maybe it's in his coat!"

 He hastily searched the coat, and by golly, found it in his pocket!

"TRAITOR!" he shouted and stomped off into the distance. Instead of going after him, James just stood there remembering what he had previously said, fearing that any slip of the tongue on his part may result in another outrage. After a few minutes, he timidly left the party.

A few days later, I voluntarily called up Dan asking him of our parting. In other words, I dumped him. I hate that word: dump. It's so ugly and vulgar, like the taste of cud in your mouth.

The next day at rehearsal, a sad and totally crushed Dan completely ignored James; in Laymen's terms, he gave him cold turkey. The following day, James asked if I would begin a courtship with him, and as fast and clear as the buzz of a bee, I accepted to the handsome Prince.

Production week came up quickly. James had superior writing skills, as so proved in his countless love letters he'd sent to me. After constant pleadings on James' part, I gave in to his "I want you to be a model for my work" line. I then stretched out on the couch to pose for him, as he wrote about me. Unlike that red headed lassie in the _"real"_ Titanic, I was fully clothed. Really people, I do have at _some_ respect for myself! 

Excitedly, we then ran out to my Mom's car to fetch some water bottles for the soon-to-begin 8-hour rehearsal. The idea was discarded as soon as we realized that we were all alone. A wonderful idea struck the two of us, and before anyone could scream "premarital relations!" James and I began to express our love in ways we never had and never thought we would.

Little did we know the un-act-able Catherine was in the trunk recording everything with a video camera! After a few days, Catherine sold copies of the video menagerie to fellow cast members and alumni. It eventually arrived in the hands of the director and other theatre authority. Not long after, the video was traced back to the shamefaced James and I. As a punishment for our foul act, the director took away half of James' lines in the show.

Now, back to that night...

Dan saw the steam on the car, thinking it was just because of the heat but he soon realized it was the only steamed car. Plus there was also a smudged handprint across the window, along with a footprint. 

James and I laughed as we saw the look on his face when he opened the door to the car, finding us absent from it. Greg captured James a couple hours later in the parking lot and handcuffed him to the dressing room rack in the director's office.

I couldn't find James, and panicked as the rain picked up and the thunder grew louder. In addition, the lights went out into an eerie darkness. After a few loud, ear-piercing screams I finally stumbled upon the petrified James.

Luckily, the handcuffs were only toy cuffs from the local Toys'R'Us, so they were easy to undo (and no ax was involved!). James and I rushed out of the room, in fear of being trapped in the flooding waters.

In addition to all the turmoil already going on, a heavy rain was sinking the church, which did indeed have a moat built around it. As it sank, James unintentionally found himself a spectator to a free wet T-shirt contest as my white tank top became soaked by the heavy waters. We ran to the basement of the church trying to find a last victim to save from the storm. It was then that we found Catherine, but we decided not to save her. I remember her final words before the ironing board fell on her: "We hate you Cath'rine, oh yes we do. We hate you Cath'rine, we won't be true! When we're not near you…WAHOOOOO! Oh Cath'rine we hate you!"

 It was very meaningful, and touching, if I do say so myself.

Once we escaped outside, we jumped into the man-eating moat and hysterically swam quickly away from the ogre from Shrek, and his donkey friend who was riding a dragon, which indeed scared us a lot. We survived, but that doesn't mean Shrek was hot on our trail. Luckily, flashing pig _"protestors" _sidetracked him! He was overjoyed at the spectacle.

Soon enough we arrived at CVS, which was closed for the evening. James then used a bobby pin to undo the lock. Unfortunately, it got stuck, so he used rubbed the pin on his scalp, and used his hair gel to make it nice and oily like his hair. And by the great mother of pearl, it worked! We went into CVS and snuggled by the snack stand! It was blistering cold...too cold I may add... 

I was getting weaker, and James even more so.

"I love you James," I innocently said.

"No…don't you go saying your good-byes. You, Laura...you're going live. You're going to grow up...and get married...and make lots of babies! You're going to die an old, old woman warm in your bed." He shivered in between words, just barely stuttering.

"But not here…not now Laura." He whispered. "Not this night. Now promise me this one thing…you will never _ever _let go!"

I trembled in hopes of saying something, but my lips were unable to move.

"Promise me!" James cried.

"I promise, James. I'll never let go…" Oddly enough, my voice began to echo. Strange what goes on in CVS stores!

After that, James fell asleep silently in my arms. But don't worry gentle reader; this story is too happy for him to die. Yet despite the fact that my supposed "soul mate" survived through the ordeal, I decided to move on as he fell asleep that silent night. I traveled back to Haverhill and avoided him for several months. James was obviously heartbroken, but I had found a new love…Heath. 

We waited a whole Christmas season before seeing each other again. We went out together for 7 more months. But then I dumped James for Dan, because I wasn't making any money with him and he wasn't fulfilling my long withheld fantasies. 

After surviving that horrible, yet memorable night, the un-act-able Catherine Lucyson got over Dan and went out with an unsuspecting Cara. Catherine later cheated on her with Harry Potter. A heartbroken Cara decided to get revenge by going out with Charlie Brown.

So all in all, we've all lived happily ever after...

The end


End file.
